The Neocities Blog

Neocities raises $400 million in Series G J X round

April 1st, 2016 - kyledrake


Neocities' discovery of new ways to waste money has grown at a ludicrous speed since we started the company. Like most great Bay Area startups, our expenses are growing way faster than our income ever will. This is obviously a big problem, as like Netscape, we need serious infrastructure in order to succeed. Otherwise we won't be able to continue serving our $150 black truffle burritos at our annual SXSW party headlined by Limp Bizkit anymore, and that's not going to happen on my watch.

So in order to continue Our Incredible Journey, we have taken some steps to ensure that we will have the capital necessary to succeed in the modern, fast paced, and unprecedented disruptive internet economy that has never happened before that we're in today.

That's why Neocities is proud to announce that we have raised $400 million in a Series X investment round convertible note at a $14 billion private valuation and a secret downside protection clause, led by Lex Luthor Capital (for a Silicon Valley presence we need because they told me so), celebrity raptepreneur J-Roc (also an investor in Tidal), and to increase our opportunities to waste money in the fast growing contracting Chinese economy, Dongguan Sanyuan Yinghui Investment.

This is an exciting moment for us. This funding will allow us to develop our proprietary closed-source Ad Injection Technology (patent pending), which allows us to finally put advertising into everyone's web sites on Neocities, as advertising of course is where the real money is (help us keep the crazy train going - Just Say No to Ad Blockers). We hope you're as excited about being ruthlessly bombarded by Pepsi ads (and then Dentist ads) as we are.

This round also dilutes the founder's shares to almost nothing (think "dropped the Pacific Ocean on a tablespoon of Kool-Aid" diluted), allowing us to eventually be fired by our new majority shareholder Lex Luthor (artist portrayal of how it's going down, subversively painted on our bathroom mirror by our Chief Graffiti Officer), so that we can slowly become one of the unaccountable tech megacorps we've all come to respect (out of fear).

We'll keep working hard to turn you into a "sharing economy" commodity. On behalf of Neocities, our investors, J-Roc and his "Roc Pile" Crew, thank you for believing in us over the last two years. Here's to another two (or whenever the stock market tanks again).

Make the internet fun again - create your own free web site. Hurry, I feel a pivot coming on.